If there is one thing I wish I would never have to partake in for the rest of my life, it would be public transportation.

I hate it.

Back home, I do not ever take public transportation. Mostly because it’s a) dirty, b) I saw someone get knifed once and c) I’m too good for it.

Which brings me to my current life situation; where I rely on massportation. Trust me, while allegedly “eco friendly” it is no way to live. 

Last night on my way home from work, I caught the express train. Please note the use of express in the description of train. So, I’m on the express and one stop away from freedom, I mean…getting off the train. We come to an abrupt hault. Really, MTA? REALLY!?


 And we wait…for literally five minutes, which trust me on the subway feels like 4 hours, for the stupid announcement, “we are being delayed because of train traffic ahead of us. we apologize for any inconvenience”. To which I shouted “BULLSHIT!!!” Okay, I didn’t shout, but I did throw a little tanrum.

Here is the issue “train traffic” as it were, doesn’t exist. Why? Because they know how many fucking trains they have. You mean to tell me some 5 trains were super sneaky and got onto the tracks without anyone knowing? Please.

So we wait longer. And now I’m looking around at the lovely ads; Greyhound & a plastic surgeon. Adding insult to injury are we? More shittastic public transportation and a cosmetic surgeon of such a high caliper that he advertises on the subway and has numerous ways to finance your procedures. I want to die. Not to mention, there was what I presume to be water drip, drip, dripping on the top of the train. Much like a ticking time bomb.

Five more minutes pass.

The conductor gets on the P.A. and says that because of an ill customer at 86th street the 6 trains are running like assholes and we’re all fucked.

Say what?

Is this the FIRST time you’ve had a medical emergency? I think not, NYC. Get it together.

I prayed a lot last night. Mostly for a small fortune and a insanely successful comedy career because I swear , if I have to keep partaking in massportation, I’ll get home in a bad mood every night.