just my luck

This week I have been seriously slacking on my domestic duties, namely cooking and cleaning…and making lunches. Not that I ever made lunches, but that counts as slacking. I digress. Consequently, we’ve had fare that would please the pickiest of eaters in Miss Smith’s kindergarten class and a lot of take-out.

Last night we had Chinese. It was amazing. However, these past few years, fortune cookies have been seriously pissing me off. First of all, they are no longer fortunes. Secondly, thank you very much for the lottery numbers, however I took statistics and I’m decent at math. Decent enough to know that playing the lottery is not a good idea.

The Chinese are insulting me.

Why are fortunes no longer fortunes? Did the fortune cookie makers miss the memo that people in America enjoy us a real fortune?

We got four fortunes. Yea, I ate three cookies. Sue me. Yea, so we ordered enough food for four people. Whatever. Stop judging me.


Back to the fortunes.

#1 – Depart not from the path with fate has you assigned. 

Can we talk about this? Not only is it not a fortune but it makes no sense. The syntax is not just terrible it is absolutely piss-poor. But it’s fundamentally screwed. How the shit can I depart from a path that is my fate? Isn’t that the deal with fate?

#2 – A friend only asks for your time not money. 

Wow, thanks for that advice. They must dabble in finance.

#3 – A friend is a present you give to yourself. 

I don’t even understand this.

#4 – You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 

Fallacy. Clearly they didn’t see me cuss out the man that bumped into me on the subway.

Until they get their act together and give me some legit fortunes I’m so over Chinese food. Catch you later, Chow Mein, I can’t deal with the sub-par cookies and less than stellar “fortunes”.